The People Pleasing Designer

I have a confession... I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. At times, even to my own detriment. I happen to be a quick learner & a creative, one who's willing to pick up talents & skill sets because of some innate desire to prove to myself that I can do it, but primarily so that I can be useful to others.

This personal trait is one that may have taken shape after my parents got divorced, when I was 5 turning 6. From what I could perceive at that age, things were fine, I couldn't tell that something was wrong. And yet, it all came crashing down when I witnessed my father push my mother over the couch, causing her to fracture her arm. I'm not even sure what was going through my head at the time, but I know for certain it didn't sit right with me. Now, to this day, I'm not even sure if I was there witnessing it with my own two eyes, if I was nearby & hearing it occur, or if it was just told to me at a later time... but in my mind, the imagery is so very vivid that I am convinced that I was there.

I remember feeling disappointment. I remember feeling resentful to not just my father, but my mother as well — especially as time went on & I realized they weren't getting back together. I was hurt that they couldn't resolve their differences & come back together for the sake of our family being as one like we once were. I remember having the conversation after they decided to split, that resulted in my sister & I choosing with whom we wished to live. My sister, older than me by 3 years, chose my mother. Immediately I felt conflicted. A part of me wanted to follow the only male role model I had in my life at the time, but I also felt doubts about that because of the situation that unfolded. Ultimately I decided to stay with my sister & my mother, because I didn't want to leave them feeling unprotected.

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Growing up in this single parent home, I wanted to help as much as I wanted to make sense of my own life. I felt so many things that I didn't understand at the time, but I knew what it felt like to be needed, & what it felt like not to be; the feelings of abandonment, disregard, & more. In the physical, I was impacted by this external ordeal; changing my personality, changing my decision-making, altering my perceptions of the world. In the supernatural, while I may not have realized it at the time, I was being shaken awake to witness this Dance of Duality that we all participate in. To see very definitive representations of masculine & feminine energies, & to have a peek at the darkness each of those energies can contain. When making that decision on whom I would have to stay with, I must have felt at the time that I needed to pick the option that displayed the least amount of darkness from my vantage point. I associated the pain my father inflicted with that darkness, & the fear & humility my mother felt as its opposite. I did so, with the limited perspective that life would be that easy to sort through... because as I matured, I knew that this darkness had a place within me too.

I have a confession... I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. At times, even to my own detriment. I happen to be a quick learner & a creative, one who's willing to pick up talents & skill sets because of some innate desire to prove to myself that I can do it, but primarily so that I can be useful to others.

This personal trait is one that may have taken shape after my parents got divorced, when I was 5 turning 6. From what I could perceive at that age, things were fine, I couldn't tell that something was wrong. And yet, it all came crashing down when I witnessed my father push my mother over the couch, causing her to fracture her arm. I'm not even sure what was going through my head at the time, but I know for certain it didn't sit right with me. Now, to this day, I'm not even sure if I was there witnessing it with my own two eyes, if I was nearby & hearing it occur, or if it was just told to me at a later time... but in my mind, the imagery is so very vivid that I am convinced that I was there.

I remember feeling disappointment. I remember feeling resentful to not just my father, but my mother as well — especially as time went on & I realized they weren't getting back together. I was hurt that they couldn't resolve their differences & come back together for the sake of our family being as one like we once were. I remember having the conversation after they decided to split, that resulted in my sister & I choosing with whom we wished to live. My sister, older than me by 3 years, chose my mother. Immediately I felt conflicted. A part of me wanted to follow the only male role model I had in my life at the time, but I also felt doubts about that because of the situation that unfolded. Ultimately I decided to stay with my sister & my mother, because I didn't want to leave them feeling unprotected.

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Growing up in this single parent home, I wanted to help as much as I wanted to make sense of my own life. I felt so many things that I didn't understand at the time, but I knew what it felt like to be needed, & what it felt like not to be; the feelings of abandonment, disregard, & more. In the physical, I was impacted by this external ordeal; changing my personality, changing my decision-making, altering my perceptions of the world. In the supernatural, while I may not have realized it at the time, I was being shaken awake to witness this Dance of Duality that we all participate in. To see very definitive representations of masculine & feminine energies, & to have a peek at the darkness each of those energies can contain. When making that decision on whom I would have to stay with, I must have felt at the time that I needed to pick the option that displayed the least amount of darkness from my vantage point. I associated the pain my father inflicted with that darkness, & the fear & humility my mother felt as its opposite. I did so, with the limited perspective that life would be that easy to sort through... because as I matured, I knew that this darkness had a place within me too. I unwittingly associate that darkness with my masculinity & my assertiveness. And whenever those traits came up, I felt a sense of guilt. More on that a bit later though... however I would like to preface this by saying that masculine & feminine energies are not mutually exclusive to their gender counterparts. We all have both of these energies within.

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Life with my Mom & my sister was overall joyful, despite not having any consistent male or masculine dominant role models in my youth. Well... by the time they came around, I was already disenchanted with the bravado they tried to instill within me. I knew I had what they had, this masculinity, & a power that, if not careful, could engulf even the very things I as its possessor loves. So, while I sorted through those complex feelings in my youth, I looked up to my sister a lot. Whenever I would see my sister doing something remarkable, I would always try to copy her, & showcase that I had some kind of talent as well. Even as I ventured off into what I thought were my own interests, I always wanted to show my family & family friends that I was worth keeping around, even though I knew fundamentally, that I was fallible & subject to the same mistakes my father had made. Ironically, at some point in my journey I ended up learning Graphic Design, which is the exact skill set that my father made his living off of in the times leading up to my birth & thereafter. When my mother told me this, a part of me wanted to shun it completely; to turn away from any likeness I had to my dad. Yet even still, something made me want to hone that craft & be accepted for it —— much like mastering that wild flame of masculinity that was growing inside. And that's what I did.

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My skills in graphic design were acknowledged & celebrated. Soon after, I remember being requested to do design work for others; in the family & friends group as well as through other adjacent avenues. At first, it was exciting, & I was happy to prove my usefulness & be of service to others. It wasn't long though before I started to feel like that was my only usefulness... that I was often contacted & sought after not because of who I was as a person, but just because I could do this graphic design thing for someone else. As great as I became at the trade, I never felt like it was truly my passion. I just always wanted to help others who seemed so eager to have my aid, even if they haggled & finessed the compensation. Even if their requests were unrelenting & intrusive of my time. I just wanted to keep & control this masculine assertiveness inside, in fear of it getting too wild. I was propped up into this space within my network that felt like there was no one else they were willing to go to — no one else that could fulfill their requests.

Since I always wanted to prove my usefulness & be acknowledged as worthy of keeping around & never really wanting to let anybody down, I struggled with saying No. I likened it to that assertive masculinity that I knew could be unwieldy & volatile, explosive. And yet that's all I wanted to do because my spirit & my heart was calling me to do something more. My internal compass was trying to guide me into proper alignment with my truest self & that which I really found purposeful.

To be honest I ignored it; made excuses, postponed, procrastinated & justified all the ways in which I should keep it going... even to my own detriment. I am sure many of you know what it's like when the passion & purpose has drained from your work — especially when the pay can't satisfy you enough to keep you from your calling. I mean even when it is, there's times you feel like someone can't pay you enough to want to keep doing that specific set of work. You start to feel lifeless while doing it, especially, if you have that higher calling & know that you have purpose in another field of human endeavor. It eats away at you, & even becomes harmful for the businesses or clients that are trying to keep you there.

And so, I started saying no. Not just because I didn't want to, but also because I knew when I had the capacity to be held accountable for a new project. I knew, that I could say no in order to fill my own cup, protect my own time, my autonomy & the dousing of my masculine flame. In a roundabout way, being a people pleaser & finally being fed up with denying myself the right to my own ambitions, I was able to come full circle & begin my journey of mastering masculinity, & the balance between that & my feminine creative energies in this Dance of Duality.

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By now, this fire I had been downplaying within had gone from being self suppressed, to self-protected... and it began to grow & set ablaze my external world. My assertiveness returned. My dominion over my own life took root. My concept of boundaries began to emerge. I finally realized, that this flame of masculinity & assertiveness does not have to burn. I realized that this flame can define. Weld. Light a deliberate path. Inspire. Frame & Protect. That even while finessing the balance can be volatile, The masculine too is worthy of being held & accepted, if not by others, then by myself. It was a struggle at first, & the assertiveness was contrasting, polarizing & aggressive. As I fine-tuned, however, I could say no while still being kind. I could even say no, while still saying yes! Synthesizing the qualities of both masculine & feminine. This was because my cup was beginning to fill, & my masculine energy was no longer fighting for survival. This is where the experiential wisdom of creative direction, outsourcing, delegation & resource recommendation began to form. It allowed me to still be of use to others, while also freeing my time. So in finding my voice to be assertive & intentional in the pursuits of my purpose, I protected & uplifted my masculinity in the ways that acknowledged it for its beauty, rather than its darkness.

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Now some may hear this story & only hear me venting about my dislike for graphic design. Thinking, so what? You're talented, you've got a skill many people desire, & you're sought after, what are you crying over? Why are you complaining? To them I say, you're right. I am blessed, & I have always known that. I have worked hard & cultivated a skill set that is desired, & I am grateful. This was never meant to be a complaint. This It is about Living Life Well in Alignment with whom I truly am & strive to be. I am a Lyrical Performing Artist & Public Speaker, & this is my calling. I have love for everyone regardless of their race, religion, creed, or gender identity. I teach about Balance in Duality, acknowledging that we all have some combination of masculine & feminine energies contained within. That both deserve an expression proportionate to their measure, & that is not just allowed to ebb & flow but expected.

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Understand that you contain multitudes. The implications of Duality are far-reaching, & discovering the nuances can be a life-changing revelation in many ways. It is my hopes that my presence in this life & my content act as a stimulus for your journey, however I can only assist in surfacing these realizations, since I too am moving forward on my own journey. It is up to you to decide how & why you want to grow from there.

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Regardless of the choices you make in order to nurture these contrasting energies within, I applaud you for your efforts in figuring these things out for yourself, & I encourage you — to Live Life Well.

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All the Best,

Sean aka Mr. Wildenfree

#LiveLifeWell

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