A Story | A Shared Moment of Vulnerability

#JournalingJuly - July 20th

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“Admitting emotions to yourself sucks”, a young man exclaims as he approaches the boardwalk handrail, where a woman was lost in thought. Her colorful snow cone held loosely in hand, dripping through the funnel onto the off-white canvas of her converse sneakers.

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She maintained a pleasant aura, with a peaceful joy to her demeanor, while something about it was indicative of a sorrowful nostalgia. Hearing the man now three steps away from her, she turns herself to focus on his comment.

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He continues,  “I think most men process emotions wrong, after trying to finally open themselves up to them.”She was curious to know how or why this man would know such a comment would be relevant to her at this time in her life. After all, she had been standing there contemplating the break her boyfriend imposed on their relationship. They both looked out towards the rippling waters.“We still try to think through our emotions. That cannot be the right way to process them.” he went on.

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Opening herself to the conversation, she responded, “I agree. Shouldn’t feelings be felt?”The man smirked. “The most difficult thing for men is to process emotions through feeling alone, without the encumbrance of thinking through & analyzing those feelings.
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I end up asking myself ‘why’ & trying to come up with logical answers. Does the heart even interpret logic? To the emotions that seethe through the vessels of the body, palpating the heart & bubbling across the liquid chambers of the brain... do you exist beyond the moments you’re initially felt? Shouldn’t you?”

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Made slightly anxious by this statement, the woman snickered & replied, “Well, I believe you are quite overthinking it... no?”

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“Haha... of course” the man sighed, “There I go with the overthinking”. A moment of stillness persisted.

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Reassuringly, the woman kindly added, “Rather, I think you would do well simply using the focus of your mind, not to decipher the emotions, but to observe them calmly & unbiasedly. Use your logical mind to walk you through a process that always leads you back to feeling every bit of the emotion in the present moment. Observe the sensations. Notice their subtle shifts, witness the gradating hues the feelings express. Learn to let it go once the feeling subsides all on its own, then welcome in the next moment & all the feelings in its tow.”

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“Well, don’t you sound as free as a bird, miss boardwalk guru? I wish emotions felt so lofty & beautiful from my own experiences,” replied the man.“You must be trying to control your emotional experience with too much force. Ironically the more you do that, the more you will allude the feelings you desire to experience. I believe that is what my significant other is going through...” The woman says, slowly dropping her head & finally noticing the dripping of her snow cone onto her shoe. She quietly patted it dry without much fuss.

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“Hah, it seems that I’m much like him in my own situation.” the man said with a sense of relief. She asked him to explain. “I am feeling pressured by my own emotions with my significant other... I want her, however, it scares me to know how much I feel I need her. I don’t want to become dependent. Admitting my feelings to myself & to her, was me thinking I could control & steer the direction of my emotional experience. Doing so only made me feel less in control... and even more vulnerable.” He pulled a G-Pen out of his cargo pocket & inhaled.

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“Furthermore,” he exhaled, “there’s not much that I can do to control or sensibly direct the emotional experience for her... I could want her to be happy, to accept my feelings, or find me as a place of peace... however she’s not fully ready for me in that way. She’s got her own pace & I respect that. I’m just also...having trouble prioritizing my own needs, staying focused & feeling unsatisfied in some way. To seek clarity, I pulled back from the emotions & tried to rationalize them... but doing that only put her & I both under more emotional stress.”

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Another moment of stillness passed. The woman, having assumed all of her nurturing qualities, continued to reassure the man, while seeing through all of his folly.

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“Do you meditate at all?” She asked. The man nodded yes.“when’s the last time you meditated?”

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The man laughed sheepishly then said,” you know, it has been a while, haha...”

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“Most of the times when my boyfriend gets like this, it’s because he hasn’t meditated in several weeks. I’m not sure about you, but it was a frequent, diligent practice for him. Most of the troubles you mentioned, about overthinking emotions, never seemed to bother him in those times. It’s only recently now that he’s been out of it, that I’m starting to recognize those signs.” the woman exalted her significant other confidently while encouraging the young man now standing beside her.

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“Heh... you know what, you are right. So moral of the story is, get back to my meditation huh?”

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“Yeap! All the stressing & the worrying you’re doing will subside, & you’ll simply be witness to your emotions without letting them take you for a ride. Then, you’ll remember Gratitude.” The woman nodded assuredly at her own comment, with glee.

The man smiled & gave off a positive aura with more determination in his posture than when he originally arrived. The woman smiled with patience & understanding for him, & for her partner. The time had come for them to reconvene with their significant others.

They thanked each other for a moment of presence & vulnerability. The sunset hung low in the sky as they bid each other adieu, with much gratitude.

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All the best,
Sean aka Mr. Wildenfree
#LiveLifeWell‍

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