On Vulnerability | Why Can't I Ever Be "Whelmed"?

#JournalingJuly - July 26th‍

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A foreword — This is a lament. While the light shines at the end of the tunnel, this journey will take you through some of my darkness.

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Perhaps adhering to the patriarchy is best for one’s sanity as a man. I have been going insane trying to rewrite & unlearn that story.

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It’s asinine to drive oneself into a perpetual state of unrest, disheveling one’s mental stability by trying to undo things that society has so tightly woven into its fabric.

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Why do I care so much? Vulnerability is downright maddening. Who thought of this joint? Why are there books written to convince men to try this emotional roller coaster? Goodness gracious I have never in my life felt like such an emotional sap. It overflows & I can’t even stop it now, I had released the floodgates not knowing how much was buried inside.

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When I focus it, it’s too hot, too bright, too forceful. It must be dispersed. I must diffuse it through various means or else I risk hurting or pushing away those that I truly care for... or even bringing harm to myself. Ironically, however, to throttle down would feel like a resignation... To withhold, would mean to store up even more potential energy, thus increasing its volatility. I take myself too seriously & I don't know how to undo it. I feel so pent up... What to do, indeed.

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Giving a fxck has been so difficult to maintain. Perhaps, these are just words. I know in my heart that ultimately, I cannot return to taking the blue pill once I have taken the red. I cannot return to thinking that I can be satisfied with indifference, apathy, disregard, or nonchalance when it comes to my own emotional needs. I can never again go back to not knowing these emotional depths.

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It was easier when things were shallow. It was easier when I could downplay Love; easier when I could party & indulge my way out of loneliness. It was easier still when I could be cold & mysterious & sought after for it. Oh, but it was all the more easy when I was satisfied with being a loner & a hermit.

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But it felt empty.

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I knew it was. I know it would still be. To be & have the desire to be vulnerable is a natural thing. It is unlearned through indoctrination. However, it is completely sane to want to express & make sense of any emotional experiences.

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So now what? Where does that leave me? Perpetually hurled through life at an unnerving pace on this wild & free emotional roller coaster? Naturally I can go meditate, however, I’ve been the type of person who has constantly thrown myself at something until I feel burnt out, then revisit it only after I have refreshed well enough. If I were to meditate to free myself from these... “feels”, I’d need to check out for at least another 10 days. At least that’s how I feel.

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Doing that last time, made me feel so full & at peace. Yet, I’ve found myself all the more tangled back into reality & it’s convoluted, complicated & compulsive society.

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Am I destined to be in the swing of things? If I want to participate in society & get it right, while still holding onto some semblance of sanity, must I forego the emotional depths, as well as the apathy, as well as the peace?

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Is there truly Balance *within* Duality?

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Balance in the sense that it is something you can hold onto. Balance in the sense that it can be maintained. Balance in the sense that it is as resolutely there every time you needed to call upon it. Is that balance real?

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It exists in that way. Indeed it does. The path back to it, however, is never easy, & you always depart from a different place than you’ve ever been in life, so there is always a new route. My route has been quite difficult to navigate this go around.

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The world doesn’t know how to respond to those of us who are truly vulnerable. It’s so infrequent that it occurs. It’s nice in passing, but when you consistently encounter one that is consistently vulnerable, it can indeed become overwhelming. For all parties involved.

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I can be overwhelming. That’s a sobering thought. Perhaps underwhelming even, but never just *whelming*. What’s up with that, why can’t I just ever be *whelmed*?

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Despite the difficulties, in light of the lament, being able to at least express & articulate my emotional experiences helps to quell the intensity. It helps to mitigate the unbridled activity. It helps me, to keep my unsanity in this unsane society.

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So I will write journals. I will write poetry. I will write songs. I will make music. I will continue to channel that which overflows from me into some creative effort. I will not scorch others with my emotional radiation, I will turn my focus towards my craft. Because I deserve to express, & I deserve the peace of just being whelmed.

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All the Best,
Sean aka Mr. Wildenfree
#LiveLifeWell

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P.S. — (Kudos to those of you who know where that “whelmed” joke comes from lol; for those that don’t, thank NerdSync for the explanation).

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