October 7, 2019

On Love | My Thoughts On Love, Today


I Love loudly, & I quietly.

I love in person & I love anonymously.

I Love from a distance.

I Love with a strong, underlying persistence.

I Love the way I want to love.

That may or may not be favored by you.

I am a selfish & shallow Lover. I Love as much as I have & want to give, as little or as much as that is... & I accept what Love I have been blessed to receive, at any increment.

I believe the Love experienced with any person is unique. I don’t believe in comparing Love, I don’t believe in denying a Love that was.

I was never really a jealous lover. I’ve tried to be a jealous lover, purely in an effort to adhere to the type of person the person I was falling for claimed to have wanted. It didn’t work out too well. Having no real experience with it, jealousy hit me like 6 shots of tequila to a featherweight who never drinks. Jealousy is a toxic, intoxicating thing. I will be myself & still experience Love without it. Even when it tries to call to me, I care not to drink to the toast of jealousy.

I perceive Love & Sex to be two unique, yet overlapping variables. Pun intended. There can be one without the other but there is an exponential return if both are present.

I would consider myself a Demi-sexual, however... again,  I fall all too easily.

Well... more accurately, I fall arbitrarily, in an unpredictably predictable pattern. Always seeing the best first, & turning a blind eye to the apparent discrepancies noticeable from the jump. The reality of the occurrences are fewer & farther between than it would seem, I am quite picky.

I get emotionally invested quickly, & often times my contemplation over that emotional investment is completely drowning me out from the actual experience of expressing & experiencing said emotions.

I can be dense & diluted in my own delusions of grandeur,

feeling or acting as if I am Loved so much or Loved so little, depending on the day.

As such, I am often completely oblivious to Love.

I haven’t always been able to tell when it’s happening to me, I don’t always know if I’m doing it right, & I give up too quickly from being overly cautious of going too far. Times are changing, & like Mick Jenkins said ladies, “I need you to tell me what you want... Say it out loud”.

I can love earnestly & monogamously. I can Love openly & without labels. I am easy & difficult to please. I am low maintenance & default to not biting off more than I can chew... I can be more than happy with just one.

I don’t hold grudges. I’m familiar with the quote about everything but the Love hurts, & I believe it.

I don’t hold onto hurt. I bathe in it, consume it for all it’s worth & allow it to just about consume me until another layer of my ego has met it’s end, & then I wash it away. A metamorphosis.

I cherish every interaction.

Just like a marble slab, I become more of myself through the chiseling & the washing & the warmth turned to fire & brimstone.

Love has nurtured me, disciplined me, scolded me... & comes back without a care for how long I choose to rest. To give up on Love completely would be foolish... and so, I leave the door to my heart ajar.

I don’t always get Love right. Truth be told, getting it right is a subjective thing... Love can easily become a victim of misinterpretations of “good intentions” lost in translation. Love can be given in earnest... and received in vain.

Love can be given in vain... and received in earnest.

We have no control over how we are given Love, how we receive it, or how another may receive our intent of Love.

I fall in Love fast.

I often paraphrase Osho’s quote on love analogous to flowers — If you like it, you’ll pick it; if you love it, you’ll water it where it grows.

I’m learning to Love without attachment.

I still get attached.

I forgive myself, & repeat doing that.

I don’t require those that I Love to Love me in return. I don’t think it’s realistic to believe that I’m the only person someone has ever loved. I don’t Love someone less, because they also happen to Love another. Should that cause me to be apart from someone I Love, I will continue to Love from a distance, with an earnest persistence without the need for maintenance.

I talk about Love often. I’ll dive head first into it’s depths, exploring it’s perplexities theoretically with any engaged person next to me.

Or...  I’ll simply shrug & bow to the overwhelmingly marvelous enigma that is Love.

Sometimes, it’s not worth understanding something that’s meant to be felt. You’ll know it when you feel it; “Knowingness don’t really come with all that contemplation”, a line I once spoke in my song, “Purify”. Taken out of context, it directly applies.

Alas, back to my lucid, rhythmic ramblings on Love.

I forever seek to yield satisfaction in any way that it’s feasible. I know that Love is not everlasting; not in a state where our feelings & interpretations of it remain constant at least. Life is forever in flux, nothing remains the same forever... all the more reason why I cherish every experience of Love that I’m bestowed.

Yes, nothing ever really lasts, I know “This too shall pass,” & more often than not, the flow has suggested for me to pass... but water can no longer press on a dam that doesn’t stand, so real balance requires “resistance”.

Always going with what seems to be the flow can perhaps lead you to the truest Love you’ve ever known, leave you forever alone, or tethered to someone who’s wholly incompatible. Challenging the flow a bit to ensure you are on track with a trajectory that truly fits you, is very much worthwhile.

I’m aware that a good deal of the romantic Love we experience is in the effervescent imaginings of our own mind. Experienced in those moments when another’s actions or presence aligned with our perceptions of what we interpret Love to be like.

I Love in an echo chamber. I Love & it calls back to me. Through myself, reverberated  through my family, amplified by my friends, so on & so forth. The Love I receive from the world at large is the Love I have called forth myself.

The Love I have expressed lately has been tepid in its step. The world is not so easily navigable, not quite as forgiving... The pursuit of Love, coping with the lack thereof & the misunderstandings around it, can leave people broken, incarcerated, damaged & dealing damage to others... it’s a vicious cycle.

I am consistently navigating  my perceptions towards the belief that Love is not give & take. It is not a currency, but a charity. A notion of the heart to experience. Love is a gift more than it is a purchase. We would fare better if we over-stood that. It defeats the purpose if we demand too much of Love.

In that regard, I believe Love is meant to be a free experience.

You can revolutionize your way of thinking & blindside the older, outdated thoughts within yourself, like a 1-person automotive industry entrepreneur, disrupting tradition. The key is what you are choosing to consume within yourself to power the vehicle of Love.

From my perspective, having learned to Love myself is the Solar cell of Love. Cool, but what about the batteries? How do you store Love so that you can pull from its abundant resources whenever you feel depleted?

The irony in this analogy is that, to me, the battery would be to give it away. Give Love freely, without taking stock of the amount of every transaction. Give Love freely, without holding onto receipts & trying to get your money back. Give Love freely, only as your cup overflows, freely.

Shine Love like the rays of the sun, endlessly, & allow all of whom you interact with to be the batteries which empower your warm, worldly experience.

Your cup being full is first is the most important part.

When you give from a depleted state, you will expect something in return. I’ve expected in return & caused my own grief. If I know how to fill my own cup, no one else can cause it to deplete.

I Love Love. I’d say I’m eager to experience it’s depths, however I am patient. I am growing evermore aware of what is compelling to me as I vet those I Love for the potentials of a long-term commitment — should it ever lead to that.

To me, Love is compelling in all of it’s many phases, & I am no longer pressed to experience it in only one state. This Self-Love has been fantastic. My familial Love has never let me down. The Love I have for my friends is awe inspiring. Romantic Love is an experience, not a product to try & own... for the moments i’m within it, I am grateful forever more.

All the best,

Sean aka Mr. Wildenfree


October 7, 2019
Mr. Wildenfree
Peculiar Ponderer. Lyrical Dreamer. Creatively Expressing Balance In Duality.

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