On Beliefs | The Diminishing of Self

NOTE: In this reflection, I use the word "Humanity" by this definition: The quality of being human.

Does the journey of enlightenment require effort, or surrender?

Does spirituality allow for the fullest expression of our humanity?

Do our beliefs suppress & conceal, or guide & reveal our truest selves?

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, though I do hope they inspire an exploration for you to consider how your answers may impact your life.

I have tried to live up to considerably high expectations that I have placed upon myself. I have allowed the expectations of others even, to make me calculate my steps. The pressures of unceasingly harassing myself based on these expectations has been enough to cook me from the inside.

In my spiritual pursuits, I have often scolded myself & kept that same pressure applied. I meant well, trying to define a life of meaning & discipline. I would fall short of course, but the pressure would always remain. Never consoling myself for my humanity, always trying to chart that path towards ascension & enlightenment. I enforced certain principles & ways of living upon myself. Some were natural & have stuck around, while others felt rigid & imposed. Naturally this just ended up being a cycle of Judgement. Persecuting myself for my shortcomings, feeling disappointment whenever I lacked discipline.

In the pursuits of my endeavors, the same routine applied. I created systems to enforce my productivity, pressing every moment for efficiency. I've been a perfectionist at heart. Who here can attest to the struggles of perfectionism? I understand your strain & the constant battles that occur in the face of your work. I am meticulous & methodical to a fault, often times taking up far more time than is truly necessary for me to have acceptable results. However you all know like I know... I don't create for the work to just be acceptable, I strived for perfection.

Worse even, I have allowed the perfectionism & pressures that I enforce upon myself, to bleed out into the ways in which I interact with others. A woman I love dearly was almost pushed away completely because I became for her a source of pressure, rather than being a source for her peace. I spoke to her the same way I speak to myself internally. Unrelenting, forever seeking solutions & squeezing out every ounce of growth I could possibly muster from each & every little thing. If I wasn't observing progress, I felt as if I was failing or taking a misstep. I always tried to justify every moment of rest & idle time that I took. Attributing this 'rest' to doing this next thing, or attributing the time I spent playing video games to recovering from burnout so that I can begin the work again. In matters of the heart, even though I knew it was meaningful, I struggled not to perceive it as a distraction from my work. So I vacillated between not being fully present, & trying to make the most out of it. I was always either trying to force experiences of growth & self-reflection into our every interaction, or just not there completely.

It was not long ago that I realized that this was not the ideal of what I imagined being a 'Life Well Lived.'

NOTE: In this reflection, I use the word "Humanity" by this definition: The quality of being human.

Does the journey of enlightenment require effort, or surrender?

Does spirituality allow for the fullest expression of our humanity?

Do our beliefs suppress & conceal, or guide & reveal our truest selves?

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, though I do hope they inspire an exploration for you to consider how your answers may impact your life.

I have tried to live up to considerably high expectations that I have placed upon myself. I have allowed the expectations of others even, to make me calculate my steps. The pressures of unceasingly harassing myself based on these expectations has been enough to cook me from the inside.

In my spiritual pursuits, I have often scolded myself & kept that same pressure applied. I meant well, trying to define a life of meaning & discipline. I would fall short of course, but the pressure would always remain. Never consoling myself for my humanity, always trying to chart that path towards ascension & enlightenment. I enforced certain principles & ways of living upon myself. Some were natural & have stuck around, while others felt rigid & imposed. Naturally this just ended up being a cycle of Judgement. Persecuting myself for my shortcomings, feeling disappointment whenever I lacked discipline.

In the pursuits of my endeavors, the same routine applied. I created systems to enforce my productivity, pressing every moment for efficiency. I've been a perfectionist at heart. Who here can attest to the struggles of perfectionism? I understand your strain & the constant battles that occur in the face of your work. I am meticulous & methodical to a fault, often times taking up far more time than is truly necessary for me to have acceptable results. However you all know like I know... I don't create for the work to just be acceptable, I strived for perfection.

Worse even, I have allowed the perfectionism & pressures that I enforce upon myself, to bleed out into the ways in which I interact with others. A woman I love dearly was almost pushed away completely because I became for her a source of pressure, rather than being a source for her peace. I spoke to her the same way I speak to myself internally. Unrelenting, forever seeking solutions & squeezing out every ounce of growth I could possibly muster from each & every little thing. If I wasn't observing progress, I felt as if I was failing or taking a misstep. I always tried to justify every moment of rest & idle time that I took. Attributing this 'rest' to doing this next thing, or attributing the time I spent playing video games to recovering from burnout so that I can begin the work again. In matters of the heart, even though I knew it was meaningful, I struggled not to perceive it as a distraction from my work. So I vacillated between not being fully present, & trying to make the most out of it. I was always either trying to force experiences of growth & self-reflection into our every interaction, or just not there completely.

It was not long ago that I realized that this was not the ideal of what I imagined being a 'Life Well Lived.'

I was fortunate that my significant other had patience in dealing with me, seeing my better sides & my good intentions. That was just one battle, however. I still had to overcome the loud voice of judgement that not only tormented me, but my everyday interactions when networking. I always recognized these internal voices as something distinctly separate from being 'me', but things I had to deal with nonetheless. While I honored my quiet, still mind of compassionate understanding & presence, that nagging voice of judgement forever crashed the party. It was either pitying me in the presence of those more successful than me, or scoffing & expecting more of others. That inner voice of judgement sounded a lot like that guy on the Everest commercials. "What are you doing with your life? You're not working, you're just sitting on the couch! You could be getting an education &..." yada yada. Of course, this is a problematic voice which admittedly, had far too much control of the reigns in how I was guiding my life. The fact that I would find myself being upset or unimpressed with others for simply enjoying themselves or being leisurely, I knew that something had to change.

I stopped trying to scoff at people who had the audacity to live a fuller, more fearless life & chose to start living a fuller life of my own. I was done having uncompromising beliefs impressed upon me, as well as the ones I upheld for myself which I unwittingly used as a tool to diminish my inquisitive inner child & humanity; ingraining that I'm not good enough or that I am less than if not striving to do better.

I didn't want to go on consciously speaking about how we are all fallible human beings, while not giving myself the freedom to be fallible & honor my own imperfections.

Speaking with my good friend Nini, she shared Toltec teachings on The Judge, The Victim & The Belief Systems. This was powerful knowledge that I needed to hear in order to starve the parasites of Judgement, Victimhood & Uncompromising Belief that I had allowed to exhaust me for so long. I went many years without acknowledging my fullest, truest self. I started to feel less compassionate towards my humanity while trying to nurture my spirituality... and that is not Balanced.

Yes we can make great changes in our lives, develop meaningful discipline, train our bodies & minds to do great things... but that does not have to come at the cost of your fullest expression of yourself. It does not have to come at the cost of denying yourself the right to experience the opportunities that your humanity would find joy in.

A Life Well Lived in my eyes is now one that honors & respects the journey not just of the spiritual pursuits & the disciplines, but of the imperfect, humanity pleasing pursuits. It is more than okay to be human & to explore what excites you. I understand that this can be a polarizing statement. I do still exist within a space that encourages benevolent actions & indulgence, however this space is not one that condemns people with a 0 tolerance policy. The space that I exist within & hold for others is one that acknowledges their full, fallible selves. It is one that acknowledges that we are prone to mistakes & meandering down an unreasonable path, yet it is a space that calls one back when they have wandered too far. You see life is a balancing act. It is an act because it takes action, & without it such a thing as balance could not exist for us who live in the fluctuations of this Dancing Duality.

It is not beneficial for you to diminish yourself for struggling with discipline, or for having the desire to experience joy, comfort & ease. It is far too easy to let the narrative that society pushes to over-influence our own narrative & what we define for ourselves as a Life Well Lived. It is absolutely okay to be an achiever & to excel & to be so passionate about your work that you're up at 4am every morning, committing to bringing it to life. It is okay to pursue your spiritual path with such fervor & conviction that you simply do not desire worldly things anymore. And at the same time, it is also okay to vacation, take a break, sleep in, leisurely lay around with your loved one all day, 3 our even 4 days, if you so choose.

My personal beliefs have needed a software update, and so I upgraded. I now believe wholeheartedly, that one can journey towards enlightenment without haste & enjoying play along the way. I believe that my spirituality, allows for the fullness of my fallible human expression, wonder & eagerness to partake in this worldly experience. Most of all, I believe that my beliefs are renewable & ever-so-flexible enough to adapt to my intuitive vision of what I deem to be a Life Well Lived.

As much as I possibly could, I have shared what I hope will inspire you to look within, deriving from that introspection the answers that you need & are intuitive for you in regards to the questions I have emphasized today. The answers I just shared are my own, & while I hope they shined a light on your journey within, they cannot be real for you until you connect fully with that intuitive, guiding light within, & derive your own answers.

Regardless of what conclusions you reach, I applaud you for your efforts & I encourage you to keep asking yourself these deep questions, to challenge your beliefs & adjust as needed to align with your fullest self, & most especially — to Live Life Well.