July 6, 2019

#JournalingJuly - July 6th

And there it is again. The destination that is always available to me. The one that sneaks up on me, or rather I meander my way back here, once again. The territory of depressive tendencies & existential fabricated enemies of my peace of mind.

The world becomes topsy-turvy under the intoxication of a tainted reality. The dark clouds seem to warp perspective in such a way that juxtaposes everything we ever claimed to have wanted. "Purpose? Meaning? Passion? Hah. What of it?"

"What's it all for?" a harrowing question to say the least when you can't come to an acceptable conclusion in the moment. Everything turns into a moot point.

Surges of discombobulated emotional spikes. Mania; a frantic happiness with no justification. Rage; I swear I'm a peaceful soul usually, why is it that I want to punch this fridge with all my might, until my skin breaks? Apathy; Fxck All This Shxt — I'm tired of it all.

Mental Health is a scary subject to approach, because when we do, we risk coming to the realization that we ourselves, may come under scrutiny. One may realize that they themselves are  at jeopardy of being identified as someone with "issues", or called "crazy", "insane" or worse — all for being able to sympathize with a shared sentiment, a shared... symptom.

David Brooks gave a TED Talk that got me to realize how serious the subject truly is in these times.

Again, I speak from the perspective of a young black man. There's decades, centuries of indoctrinated trauma & PTSD. So much to unlearn, so much to rewrite. It's definitely possible, but oh how the odds stack themselves against us.

At times,  I understand why some of us who endure the daily struggle would want to give up. The isolation. The fragmented connections. The financial demand, grind, or demise. The relationship crises.  The inner-demons of your own psyche. Misinformation. The existential dread. The hollow feeling of one's soul.

Yet at the same time, in the midst of the darkness of total chaos, there's a glint of gratitude that flushes out the whole system.

Sure, I may experience that gratitude with such a tear-inducing sorrow that overwhelms me a hundredfold with it's vividly temporal beauty... nevertheless, it's there. It's the embrace of the curtains closing at the end of a show night, when the drama finally ends, & the facade unmasks in the face of the eternal. Stillness is met once again at the final moments when it all seems unbearable.

Miraculously, redemption resides there, accessible to the strong-willed. We've made it to the next day. The sun rises again. We begin to be callously grateful for our own existence, for we know it's truly a gift to be cherished. Peace of mind tepidly enters our field of view once more, & we resolve ourselves to heard towards it no matter the storms we must endure.

The cycles continue. The ups & the downs expound & expand. Ah yes... Duality, ever-present like Day & Night. A Laugh rolls over us. We've always known the mental-locations in our mind where these storms were sure to come back around. You silly being, you navigated back to the place you never want to be, yet have every right to relocate & select a better destination.

The mind can be a terrible thing to let go to waste. Don't give up. Recognize the patterns that lead you back to the same toxic states of mind that can potentially cause you to be a risk to yourself, or worse, others. Be honest with yourself, but more than that, be patient. Be STILL. Do nothing drastic. Just be. Observe. Sit. Seek the Solace within.

I genuinely appreciate the insights David Brooks provided in his talk, & Weave: the social fabric project that he started in partnership with The Aspen Institute, is really inspiring. I am happy to see movements like that hitting the broader stage. I would now consider myself a Weaver.

David left me with some powerful words in that video, saying: "Some people are broken... but other people are broken open. Suffering's great power is that it's an interruption to life. It reminds you you're not the person you thought you were." Along with a following statement, "You realize there are depths of yourself you have never anticipated, and only spiritual & relational food will fill those depths".

I am also grateful for creators like Prince EA who is consciously making an effort to tackle Mental Health & continue to use their voice to uplift us all who dance with dismay.

As one who is very conscious of my explorative nature with the Balance of Duality, I must tread lightly on meandering through the labyrinth of the mind. Deep contemplation which was once beneficial & enjoyable for me, can all too quickly turn into cacophonies in an echo chamber drowning out the peace with chaotic noise. It reminds me how much I'd enjoy just living a simple, easy life like this wise guy Jon.

I will end today's journal entry by stating this: I have not given up. I have not been broken. I have been broken open, once more. I am an evolving, adapting essence that has the will to persevere. I am like that of a beautiful piece of Kintsugi art. I am resilient. I am worthy. I am patient. I am grateful. I am Loving, & I am Loved.

All the Best,

Sean aka Mr. Wildenfree



July 6, 2019
Mr. Wildenfree
Peculiar Ponderer. Lyrical Dreamer. Creatively Expressing Balance In Duality.

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